The Emotions

Let me preface this post with acknowledging that I know my hormones are going crazy right now.  I can cry easily and get irritated even easier!

I have less than two weeks before I have to say goodbye to Baby C.  I've been struggling with the reality of having to be away from him.  This past week he got some mild food poisoning from some applesauce he "hid" after dinner and decided to eat for a snack the following morning while I was in the shower (he came to show me, that's how I know).  That afternoon, my poor dude was throwing up every couple of hours and really counted on me to console him.  He would come up and say "My belly hurts," and just lay on me... until he threw up.  Yes, I took a couple extra showers that day!  haha

Here's a cute picture of recovering Baby C the day after the applesauce incident:

Anyway, I kept thinking that day about not being there while waiting for this next baby to choose their birthday.  I have the logical side of my brain telling me he will be fine, he won't even realize I'm gone for so long and that he will be in wonderful care with my MIL and Daddy B.  But I have my mommy-brain side that is really struggling.  I called to make my 38 week appointment with Dr. C, but as luck would have it he is out of the office on March 9th, the day I make the trek back to Texas.  No big deal, I made the appointment for March 13th instead since I'll be there, but I started thinking about how my friend and I could relax on the drive home and maybe I could wait to leave until after Baby C woke up.  After talking it through with Daddy B though, I realized that I would be a WRECK if I had to leave him face to face.  After coming to that realization, I just started sobbing!  Daddy B was at a loss and trying to console me, but it is really hard for me right now.  My SIL (Aunt D) called me right when I was upset and talked me through it.  She said her sister-in-law ESP told her to call just because.  She knew how I was feeling, seeing that she has my two nieces who are 7 and 4, and my youngest niece is special needs.  When she was born, Aunt D had to spend a lot of time with her in the NICU and be away from her older daughter.  I think it's, in a way, a similar emotion because I know this is what the baby and I need, but I hate feeling like I'm choosing this baby over my other one.  Yes, I know that's not completely rational, but I did preface this post with a warning about my crazy hormones.  ;)

So fast forward to Saturday and while Daddy B was home, I took the opportunity to go up to Walmart and start making a dent in my "to-buy" list for my hospital bag.  I picked up travel toiletries I could keep packed and an extra pair of comfy pants, you know... the essentials.  Then I was standing on the candy isle deciding what flavor gum I wanted to buy to have handy in the hospital when I had what I can only describe as a mini panic attack.  It's like the reality of having a second baby slapped me in the face all at once.  I felt dizzy, nauseous and was breathing a little faster than normal.  I walked around in a daze and came home with all these little things I had bought.  For some reason putting things in that basket gave me the illusion that I was making myself more prepared!  Daddy B laughed at me, but also understood what I was feeling.  I told him honestly, "I'm scared."  It's scary to go from having one child to two.  It's scary to think about all the unknowns that are inevitable with a newborn.  It's scary not to know how your new "normal" will look in your home.  You get so comfortable with being parents of one and we know that we will be fine as parents of two and will love this baby just as much as Baby C, but it's still scary!

Then I started feeling a little mad at this whole VBAC situation.  I've felt this way before, but in relation to all these emotions I've been feeling, it takes on a whole new meaning.  I get angry that I'm a second time mom and yet completely feel like a first time mom when it comes to this delivery.  At the same time, I'm so thankful for VBAC and it giving me the opportunity to feel that excitement that usually only first time moms feel about not knowing how everything will happen.  I know every birth is different, but I think the difference in being induced and going to a c-section will be completely different than letting my body go in to labor and having a natural birth.  And I get frustrated with the state of Louisiana and the birthing environment here not being conducive to me staying home and going in to labor like a "normal" expectant mother.  Instead I have to travel to another state to do something my body was made to do. But again, I'm also grateful that I have the option to travel back to Texas to have this baby and that I have so many friends and family supporting our decision to have this baby in a very non-traditional way.

To recap, I feel sad, scared, excited, unprepared, prepared, angry, grateful, etc. etc.

The brain of a pregnant woman can be so confusing!  Thanks for listening reading. ;)