Unexpected Doctor Visit

I'm 39 weeks, 4 days pregnant today and I went to see Dr. C this morning.  I declined a cervical check last week, but thought since I'm now a week past the point in the pregnancy I was induced with Baby C, I'd go ahead and get checked to see where I stood.  I was expecting a couple of centimeters or something, considering I've been taking my EPO, walking, using the ball, etc., and was disappointed when Dr. C told me I was maybe a fingertip dilated, cervix was still very high, but it was soft.  My belly measured 41 cm last week and today actually measured only 38 cm, which I'm told is because the baby has officially "dropped." 

Then Dr. C told me that he wanted to talk to me about the option of induction.  On Saturday.  The reason being is because he is going out of town on Wednesday (will probably return the following Monday) and wanted me to be able to have him as my doctor for delivery, seeing all that I've gone through to have him be my care provider.  I was alone in the room since my brother took me out to this appointment and was completely, absolutely overwhelmed.  I just started crying.  I took it so personally and even though Dr. C had the best intentions in offering the induction to me, I felt I had failed and my body was still broken.  I left with a 7:30am appointment for Saturday to start pitocin.  I went to the stair well, sat down, and called Doula M.  We talked for awhile and I realized more and more this was NOT what I wanted, not in the least!  Dr. C ensured me he thought I'd do fine being induced and have a vaginal delivery, but I realized while talking to Doula M that I'd have an IV, I'd need continuous fetal monitoring and I wouldn't even have access to a shower for pain relief!  Not to mention the long list of interventions that so often happen after that first drop of pitocin enters your body.  I was devastated.  Of course I'm tired of being pregnant, of course I like the idea that Daddy B could definitely be there, but could I live with myself and all that I've learned and have come to believe about child birth and how my body is made to do this if I let myself be induced?  I realized within minutes I could not.

After talking to Doula M, Daddy B, Aunt K, and my brother at length, I called and cancelled the induction appointment.  I had also called the midwife I had seen at my 35 week appointment and confirmed with her that if I went in to labor while Dr. C was out of town, I could come to the birth center (she said yes, of course!).  Dr. C called me back and told me he completely supported my decision and he'd see me at my next appointment if I haven't gone in to labor. 

I'm actually glad this happened.  I know Dr. C offered the induction with pure intentions, but it made me realize how much I want to go in to labor on my own and have a natural birth.  I also realized that as much of a hero Dr. C is to me, I cannot count on him to get me through this VBAC.  I have to count on myself and my body and what it was made by God to do. 

P.S.  I have a lot of pictures of the "natural" things Aunt K and I have been trying to try to get labor started.  Some of them are pretty hilarious!  I'll try to post those soon as well as my birth plan.