3 Months Old

No, I haven't forgotten about this little ol' blog, if you're still reading.  Life is just busy with two kids and I've made a promise to myself to spend less time in the internet world and more time enjoying the present.  I read this blog post about "How to Miss a Childhood" and it has really impacted me.  I don't want to get so caught up in technology that I miss out on what life really is.  Everyone is asleep in my house, so I have some free time now.

So things never aligned for me to make it back to Texas for my postpartum visit.  I've been feeling fine and I talked with Dr. C's nurse, so I wasn't too concerned.  I started to have a little postpartum depression and I needed to decide what I was going to do for birth control, so I made an appointment with a local OBGYN that I've heard great things about when it comes to him supporting natural childbirth.  I had heard in the past that he had done some VBACs, but was told he "didn't like to get involved" when I called to ask for a consult.  The appointment went well and some great news is that if we decide we want to have one more child, he is totally supportive of me having a 2VBAC with him.  He says now I have a "proven pelvis" and he has no problem with me going to 42 weeks before talking induction.  I liked him overall.  He's no Dr. C, but I learned from my delivery of Baby B that the doctor doesn't matter as much as my mind set going in to delivery.  I'm not saying baby #3 is going to happen, but Daddy B and I want to keep our options open.  If it is going to happen, it won't be for quite a while, so don't get your hopes up!  

Baby B is 3 months old now!  He is the sweetest baby boy.  I could melt at the smiles he gives me when I go to get him up from naps or bed in the morning.  He's sleeping well, still swaddled, and does about 2, 6 hour sleep chunks a night.  We are on a great schedule that is flexible and he's taking 3 naps a day.  At 10 weeks he was 13lbs 12oz and 25" long.  He is rolling from belly to back and can hold his head up like a champ!  We love doing the kangaroo carry in my ring sling.

I'm still pumping!!  I'm proud of myself!  :)  I don't make much milk and this week it has dropped lower, but this next week is "Operation Increase Milk Supply."  I've deemed it so in my head haha.  Lots of steel cut oats, fenugreek and water.  I'm not ready to give up.  I have a goal to make it 6 months and take it from there.  It's very time consuming because I pump in 30 minute sessions, but I know I'll feel that dang mommy-guilt if I just quit.  

I'm still working on my big announcement.  The last step was completed today and I'm excited to share it with you!

I have lots of ideas of posts I want to do in regards to VBAC, c-sections, and inductions in our country, but I know work will need to go in to them.  I'm not sure how many people keep up with this blog, so with 13 followers, I don't know if I want to take the time away from my family to organize the posts and do the research to back up my statements. 

Here's some more pictures of my beautiful boys!

Loving the bumbo

Big smiles from my little dude

Brother play time :)

Baby C enjoying being part of the 3 year old class at VBS

2 Months

I can't believe my sweet VBAC baby is already 2 months old!  I have enjoyed the newborn phase as much as I can, but I have to be honest, I am so excited for the baby phase!  Baby B has been blossoming lately with his smiles, head control and hand discovery.

On the breastfeeding front...
First of all, breastfeeding is HARD.  I know for some it comes easy, but I am definitely not one of those women.  After about 3.5 weeks, we started having to supplement because Baby B was just not having enough wet diapers a day or gaining enough weight.  Baby B did great switching between a bottle and nursing at first.  I kept nursing during the day before offering the bottle of pumped milk/formula and over the course of another 3 weeks or so, Baby B started preferring the bottle.  I was okay with it because I think I fall in to that small percentage of women who simply don't make enough milk.  I am proudly still pumping and make about 4 oz a day with pumping every 3-4 hours.  Every drop of breast milk counts and I'm happy that I'm giving Baby B as much as my body can make!  (Yes, I've done the fenugreek, tea, etc. and it hasn't helped much.  The most I've gotten is about 5.5 oz in one day.)  I'm thankful to the LA Breastfeeding Coalition women for helping me make sure I had a good latch and supporting my decision to pump!  I love the support I've found here in Central Louisiana :)

I think something that was reiterated to me again, just as with my VBAC, is that birth and mothering isn't black and white.  I think it's easy to get caught up in what your ideal is and what you're "supposed" to do, but sometimes that just isn't what works for you and your family.  The best thing you can do for yourself is learn about your choices and options and make an informed decision.

I have some very exciting news (no, I'm not pregnant... thank God.  WAY too soon!).  I'll be sharing it very soon!! :)

My sweet boys!

Baby C Meeting Baby B

I wasn't too surprised to find out I had a second son.  The first time I heard the heartbeat, I instantly thought it was a boy.  We were so thrilled at the delivery when we found out Baby C had a little brother!

We stayed in the hospital about 36 hours, due to the delivery being at 1:23am and hospital policy having you stay 24 hours for observation (obviously couldn't leave at 1am the next day!).  We drove from the hospital to Aunt K's house, stayed the first night there and then made the long trip home.  I was BESIDE MYSELF excited to see my big boy!  I hadn't seen him in exactly 4 weeks!!  The time away was absolutely brutal on me as a mommy and I couldn't talk to him at night on the phone without crying.

We pulled up to the house and Daddy B went inside first.  I jumped in the backseat to nurse Baby B so he'd be happy to meet his brother, my MIL and my step-FIL.  Baby C was in shock when he saw me, but did give me a hug and kiss.  Then, Daddy B brought in Baby B!

(Following narrative of what I guess Baby C was probably truly thinking...)

"So this is that baby they kept talking about..." 

"Hmmm... he's smaller than I thought he'd be." 

"Let's put him in this 'baby chair'!" (Yes, he did insist we immediately put him in the swing!) 

"Well Grandma thinks he's okay.  If she thinks he's alright I guess I do too." 

"...but why are they making me kiss his head?" 

"Oh!  I get to hold him!!"

"Holy geez.  What just happened?  You mean he's staying here?  With us?"

"And now I have to share Daddy too."

I'm exaggerating, of course. :)  He has always been sweet, but in the beginning just didn't want anything to do with the baby.  He's warmed up to him quite a bit now.  I haven't taken a picture of them together in awhile, but just a few days later, he was already sharing our trains with him.

This was the very first time I put Baby B in his crib.  Baby C was so stinkin' excited that "baby" (how he usually refers to him since that's what we called Baby B the entire pregnancy) was FINALLY in his bed!

Baby C got smarter over the next few days and started bringing his stool in so he could reach the baby better.  He knows he's allowed to be gentle and touch his head.  He loves how soft Baby B is!

Now we are to the point that Baby C always ask if "Baby" is coming when we go somewhere and LOVES helping me in the nursery when I'm cleaning or organizing in there.  He insists on throwing away every single diaper and gets mad if I forget to ask him to do it!  He also knows who is the big brother, who is the little brother, who Bryce is (he calls him "Byce") and of course who "baby" is.

I love having two boys.  I can't wait to see them running around playing with each other!

Made it to Texas!

I won't say this leg of the journey has been easy.  The past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest emotionally that I've gone through, which I'm sure has a little something to do with the crazy amounts of hormones running through me.  I've prayed so much about the decision to come back to Texas to have this baby and thankfully, the Lord has given me peace every time I've lifted my concerns up in prayer.  It's just the rest of the time when I'm spending too many moments thinking about the "what ifs?" that get me antsy.  I've had many evenings with Daddy B talking and crying about my fears and concerns with leaving Baby C and him for what could turn in to a month and how much control I'm having to surrender when it comes to this birth.  I've had some people not understand why I didn't just bring Baby C with me to Texas, but I don't really feel like I need to explain myself.  We've worked through all the possible scenarios and this is what works best for my family.  Don't you think it's the hardest thing I've ever, ever had to do to leave my baby?  Don't you think that leaving my husband, who is my biggest support person, at this point in my pregnancy is also one of the hardest things I've had to do?  What has kept me going is the peace the Lord is giving me over our decision as a family for a true chance at a VBAC, the encouragement from Daddy B and the friends and family who "get it" and understand each step of our decision making process, and trying to remember that this time will pass quickly and I will look back on this short time period with gratefulness for the undivided attention I'm able to give my new little one.  As hard as it is for me to wrap my head around it, my heart knows that I am going to love this new baby just as much as I love Baby C and I can't WAIT to experience that once they arrive!

In the past week, Daddy B and I got everything done on my to-do list with the exception of installing the car seat, but Daddy B is going to do that this weekend.  My good friend came in to town last Wednesday, MIL came in town Thursday and then Friday morning my friend and I hit the long road back to DFW.  Thursday night was reallllly rough.  I had to say goodbye to Baby C and was a complete mess after I put him down for bed.  What really made me feel better though was having my friend, my MIL and her husband all there showering me with love and support.  It humbles me so much to realize how many people care about my little family and this sweet baby coming in to the world.  Since then, I've held it together pretty well, with the exception of yesterday afternoon when I just really missed my family and what we would be doing on a Saturday at home.  I'll tell you what, I am SO thankful I'm with my brother, SIL and niece and nephew because it makes being away from my husband and son a lot easier.  My nephew (he'll be 6 in June) knows that when I'm missing Baby C, he is required to come give me lots of good cuddles! :)

I've also noticed an increase the past few days in the frequency and intensity of the Braxton Hicks I've been having.  The other night, I was actually able to notice a pattern and they were about 5 minutes apart for a solid hour.  So I'm pretty sure my body is on the road towards preparing for labor, I just hope it's sooner rather than later! 

I go see Dr. C on Tuesday.  My mom is a teacher and is coming to spend her spring break with me, so she's taking me to the appointment Tuesday.  Let's just say she's REALLY hoping this baby decides their birthday is next week.  I told her not to hold her breath.  ;)

The Emotions

Let me preface this post with acknowledging that I know my hormones are going crazy right now.  I can cry easily and get irritated even easier!

I have less than two weeks before I have to say goodbye to Baby C.  I've been struggling with the reality of having to be away from him.  This past week he got some mild food poisoning from some applesauce he "hid" after dinner and decided to eat for a snack the following morning while I was in the shower (he came to show me, that's how I know).  That afternoon, my poor dude was throwing up every couple of hours and really counted on me to console him.  He would come up and say "My belly hurts," and just lay on me... until he threw up.  Yes, I took a couple extra showers that day!  haha

Here's a cute picture of recovering Baby C the day after the applesauce incident:

Anyway, I kept thinking that day about not being there while waiting for this next baby to choose their birthday.  I have the logical side of my brain telling me he will be fine, he won't even realize I'm gone for so long and that he will be in wonderful care with my MIL and Daddy B.  But I have my mommy-brain side that is really struggling.  I called to make my 38 week appointment with Dr. C, but as luck would have it he is out of the office on March 9th, the day I make the trek back to Texas.  No big deal, I made the appointment for March 13th instead since I'll be there, but I started thinking about how my friend and I could relax on the drive home and maybe I could wait to leave until after Baby C woke up.  After talking it through with Daddy B though, I realized that I would be a WRECK if I had to leave him face to face.  After coming to that realization, I just started sobbing!  Daddy B was at a loss and trying to console me, but it is really hard for me right now.  My SIL (Aunt D) called me right when I was upset and talked me through it.  She said her sister-in-law ESP told her to call just because.  She knew how I was feeling, seeing that she has my two nieces who are 7 and 4, and my youngest niece is special needs.  When she was born, Aunt D had to spend a lot of time with her in the NICU and be away from her older daughter.  I think it's, in a way, a similar emotion because I know this is what the baby and I need, but I hate feeling like I'm choosing this baby over my other one.  Yes, I know that's not completely rational, but I did preface this post with a warning about my crazy hormones.  ;)

So fast forward to Saturday and while Daddy B was home, I took the opportunity to go up to Walmart and start making a dent in my "to-buy" list for my hospital bag.  I picked up travel toiletries I could keep packed and an extra pair of comfy pants, you know... the essentials.  Then I was standing on the candy isle deciding what flavor gum I wanted to buy to have handy in the hospital when I had what I can only describe as a mini panic attack.  It's like the reality of having a second baby slapped me in the face all at once.  I felt dizzy, nauseous and was breathing a little faster than normal.  I walked around in a daze and came home with all these little things I had bought.  For some reason putting things in that basket gave me the illusion that I was making myself more prepared!  Daddy B laughed at me, but also understood what I was feeling.  I told him honestly, "I'm scared."  It's scary to go from having one child to two.  It's scary to think about all the unknowns that are inevitable with a newborn.  It's scary not to know how your new "normal" will look in your home.  You get so comfortable with being parents of one and we know that we will be fine as parents of two and will love this baby just as much as Baby C, but it's still scary!

Then I started feeling a little mad at this whole VBAC situation.  I've felt this way before, but in relation to all these emotions I've been feeling, it takes on a whole new meaning.  I get angry that I'm a second time mom and yet completely feel like a first time mom when it comes to this delivery.  At the same time, I'm so thankful for VBAC and it giving me the opportunity to feel that excitement that usually only first time moms feel about not knowing how everything will happen.  I know every birth is different, but I think the difference in being induced and going to a c-section will be completely different than letting my body go in to labor and having a natural birth.  And I get frustrated with the state of Louisiana and the birthing environment here not being conducive to me staying home and going in to labor like a "normal" expectant mother.  Instead I have to travel to another state to do something my body was made to do. But again, I'm also grateful that I have the option to travel back to Texas to have this baby and that I have so many friends and family supporting our decision to have this baby in a very non-traditional way.

To recap, I feel sad, scared, excited, unprepared, prepared, angry, grateful, etc. etc.

The brain of a pregnant woman can be so confusing!  Thanks for listening reading. ;)