Delivery Slideshow

I have so much to update with, but honestly don't have the time!  I just laid the baby down and am trying to rush to bed to try to get the hour or so of sleep before he wakes up to eat again.  Life with a newborn :)

But I did want to post the slideshow of my VBAC.  All pictures were taken by Aunt K!

The lyrics to the song "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas were a perfect fit for my VBAC.  I had to put so much work in to preparing for the birth, that it made the actual birth seem easy!  I waited so long to go in to labor and when it finally started, I welcomed it with open arms!  This birth was so healing to me and enabled me to finally let go of so many of the emotions that surrounded Baby C's birth.  Now, I'm thankful for my c-section because it opened me up to the ICAN community and the amazing women I met there and made me truly appreciate God's design of a woman's body and the miracle that is birth.

Let it go

Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in
Let your clarity define you 
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours 
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate 
Time falls away,
But these small hours
These small hours 
Still remain

Let it slide
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine,
Till you feel it all around you
And I don't mind 
If it's me you need to turn to 
We'll get by
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours 
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate 
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget
the way I feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders 
These twists and turns of fate
Yeah, these twisted turns of fate
Time falls away
Yeah, but these small hours, 
These small hours
Still remain

Yeah, oh they still remain
These little wonders
All these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away 
But these small hours 
These little wonders
Still remain

Old Wives Tales

While I was in DFW, Aunt K and I had fun trying everything we could think of (besides castor oil) to try to "induce labor."  We absolutely knew all of these things were old wives tales and the only thing that puts you in to labor is your baby and body being ready, but we figured I didn't have anything else to do so why not!

First, was the Tens Unit.  Aunt K is a physical therapist, so had a tens unit at her disposal.  We looked up the pressure points that are supposed to "send you in to labor" or "soften your cervix" and I would spend half an hour with them on those spots.  I have no idea what this pressure point is called, but it's the one about four fingers above the inside of your ankle.

My brother and Aunt K like to juice veggies and fruits.  While there, I had like FIVE whole pineapples,  with the entire core included!

Of course there was LOTS of ball bouncing the entire 3.5 weeks before my water broke.  Aunt K took this on St. Patty's Day (notice the green button) and wanted me to act like I was in "mid-bounce." hehe

Aunt K is an awesome cook and we decided to give fresh eggplant parmesan a shot.  Of course, we documented it just in case it really sent me in to labor (obviously, it did not).

Poor Aunt K burnt her fingers really bad on some hot olive oil :(

The final product was delicious!

When Daddy B showed up and surprised me the Thursday before the birth, he couldn't wait to give me my "push present."  So he told me he was rephrasing it my "push it out NOW present!" Aren't they beautiful?!

And finally a funny picture during a contraction a day or so before I went into true labor.  You could definitely see what side Baby B was hanging out on!

Next up, Baby C meeting his little brother!

I got my VBAC!!!

I have daydreamed about making a post titled this. I can't believe it!  I DID IT!  I got my VBAC!!  Here's the very long story of the birth of our second son, Baby B!


Let me start out by saying the facts in this may be messed up, as I can't clearly remember a lot of the later part of my labor.  I will be getting some notes from Doula M and if I messed anything up, I'll let you know.  Aunt K also took lots of pictures during the labor and delivery, but I don't have copies of them yet.  She's coming to visit in a couple of weeks, so I'll make sure and do a post with them!

Sunday, April 1, 2012 was a hard day for me.  I was 41 weeks, 2 days pregnant and I had been experiencing prodromal labor all week.  I lost my mucous plug on Friday and had been having a bloody discharge ever since.  After contracting 7 minutes apart all day on Saturday and waking up Sunday morning not in labor, I felt completely defeated.  Daddy B had driven in and surprised me on Thursday and planned to stay through Sunday.  We felt sure everything would start while he was there.  I called Doula M and we talked through everything.  I had reached the end of my rope emotionally and physically and was simply tired of the waiting game, as I had literally been by myself at my brother’s house waiting to go in to labor since March 9th at 38 weeks.  Dr. C was out of town and I had declined an offered induction before he left so was taking my chances that I would either get the on-call doctor , decide to go to a birth center or still be pregnant when he returned the following Wednesday.  The normal fears about being so far in to the pregnancy were starting to creep in to my head and Doula M, Daddy B and I decided it would be a good idea for me to call Dr. C Monday morning (he had given me a way to reach him while he was out of town) and get in to see one of his partner physicians to get a biophysical profile ultrasound done to make sure baby looked good and have a cervical check to see if things were moving forward.  Then, I was going to ask to be induced Wednesday morning at 41 weeks 5 days if I was a favorable candidate.  Doula M told me while I was getting off the phone that she hoped to hear from me during the night that I was in labor, but I told her not to get her hopes up.  I talked to my mom that night too and told her the same thing when she said maybe I’d go in to labor that night.  I went to bed feeling slightly defeated, but happy that I had an end in sight.  Daddy B decided to go ahead and start his week of vacation so he could be with me and support me through the next couple of days.  

At 2am, my body woke me slightly from sleep and I noticed I felt a small gush of fluid.  I reached down and realized that my underwear was wet and realized immediately my water had broken!  I got out of bed quickly and even made it to the bathroom before anything got on the floor!  As I was walking out of the room, I turned to Daddy B and said, “Babe, my water just broke.”  He JUMPED up and said “Okay!  I’m ready! I’ll go get Aunt K!” I told him not to go get Aunt K, that things could take a while and made my way to the bathroom.  He brought me my phone and then disappeared.  I called Doula M and she told me to try to get some rest until contractions started and warned me it could take awhile.  I look up while on the phone and literally within the span of a few minutes, Aunt K had appeared in the bathroom and Daddy B was fully dressed!  I told them to calm down, sent Aunt K back to bed (after she made me put on a ridiculous looking Depends diaper she brought home from work “just in case”  haha) and Daddy B and I tried laying back down.  Contractions started about 3:30am and were 7 minutes apart and growing in intensity.  I had been reading for a while and had just started to feel tired again when I realized that things were picking up.  I laid there for about an hour timing them and about 4:30am, asked Daddy B if he was asleep, which he immediately replied, “No.”  We decided to get up, take showers and take our time getting things organized and put together for the hospital.  At 5:30am we were all packed and ready and contractions were about 6 minutes apart but still tolerable.  I knew it wasn’t time to leave yet, so Daddy B and I decided to go to IHOP and have breakfast (don't worry, I took off the Depends!).  I contracted throughout the meal, but everything tasted so good and I knew I was going to have a long day ahead of me.  I called Dr. C around 6am Texas time (he was in Florida) and told him what was going on.  He told me to wait until contractions were about 4 minutes apart and then start the hour drive to the hospital.  By 7:30am, contractions were getting stronger and were about 3:45 minutes apart.  Although we knew it was rush hour in DFW, I didn’t feel comfortable with waiting any longer and Aunt K, Daddy B and I headed to the hospital.  The drive took 2 hours and laboring in the car was horrible!  Contractions spaced out some while in the car, but the intensity was growing still.  At 9:30am, Doula M met us in the lobby and we got settled in to a room.  They did the initial cervical check and I was 3cm and 70% effaced, baby was at -3 station.  Definitely NOT the news I wanted to hear!  I thought I had to be at least 4cm and was bummed baby was up so high still.  The nurse sent me to walk for 45 minutes or so and then I needed to come back and be on the monitors for 20 minutes.  Doula M and I went to the skywalk that connects the Center for Women to the hospital and I did sort of modified “elephant walking” to try to open my pelvis and let the baby drop.  After monitoring, I was sent out to walk again until about 12:35pm.  Doula M thinks that during that time walking, I entered in to active labor.  Things were getting stronger and more uncomfortable and getting through each contraction took more focus to stay relaxed.  When I got back to the room, I was checked out by the doctor on call, Dr. B.  She had a great personality and really contributed to a good birth atmosphere.  Unfortunately I was still 3cm and baby was still at -3.  I kept laboring in different positions to try to open my pelvis, but at 2pm, my water had been broken for 12 hours and Dr. B wanted to start pitocin to try to pick the labor up.  I hated the idea, but Doula M and Dr. B reassured me that Dr. C would be doing the same thing.  It was also around this time that Amiga C made it up to the hospital.

Contractions definitely picked up after the pitocin started and were starting to become consistent at 3 minutes apart.  I labored all around the bed, sitting on my birth ball, standing, having one foot up on a trash can to open things (and be called Captain Morgan!).  They checked me at 5pm and I was 4cm, 80% effaced and baby was at -2 station.  Not much progress.  I was starting to experience a lot of pain and my mantra of “relax in to the pain” wasn’t working as effectively.  I was really discouraged because I couldn’t believe I wasn’t even half way there!  We suspected the baby to be big and Dr. B said the most important thing in VBAC deliveries with big babies is for the baby to be moving down the birth canal and in my case, we were aiming for a birth within 24 hours of my water breaking due to increased risk of infection.  At one point, I had gone to the bathroom and spent quite a few contractions laboring on the toilet trying to let things open and I was making really loud, low noises trying to get through each contraction.  I started to lose my composure and was very, very tired.  I realized after that cervical check that I felt I needed some kind of pain relief in order to let the contractions due what they needed to do.  Doula M, Aunt K, Amiga C, Daddy B and I all talked about it over and over.  I decided to wait an hour and try hands and knees and use the squat bar to get the baby to come down, which felt horrible!  By 6pm, I wanted an epidural.  My support team asked me over and over if I was sure and I said I was.  After they placed the epidural, I was checked again and was 6 cm, 80% effaced and baby was still at -2 station.  Dr. B discovered I had developed a fore-bag of waters and we decided to break that in hopes baby would drop lower.  The epidural was good and wasn’t too strong for me to not feel each contraction or move myself around in the bed, but really took the edge off and let me relax.  Close to 8pm, I was checked again and was 7cm, 90% effaced and baby was at -1.  I knew at that point I had made the right decision because I obviously needed to relax more through the contractions for them to be effective.  My 9pm, I was 8cm and 95% effaced, baby still at -1 station.  At some point during this time, I received a dose of antibiotics to prevent any infection that could be sneaking up because of my water being broken.  At 10pm, I was 9 1/2 cm, 100% effaced and baby was at 0 station.  The nurse was able to push the last lip of my cervix past baby’s head and said we should be pushing in an hour.  I was thrilled!  Doula M told me that she also had thought it was time for me to get an epidural, but wanted it to be completely my decision.  She also said she believed if Dr. C had been there, he would have recommended an epidural.  Doula M said she felt I was having transition strength contractions for close to two hours and in a normal delivery that moved quicker, a mom would have those for an hour and be ready to push.

This is when things got sort of crazy and my memory gets fuzzy. Around 11pm, my epidural medicine ran out and the decision was made not to give me any more pain relief so I could be effective at pushing.  We all thought I would start pushing around 11pm, but the nurse told us Dr. B might want me to “labor down” for a couple of hours to try to let the baby move down further.  The nurse also started talking to me about things that they could have to do with the suspected big baby like breaking their clavicle bone in their shoulder or pushing on my stomach while I pushed to get the baby to descend.  I got so frustrated with her!  I asked her to drop it, I hadn’t even started pushing yet and we didn’t know how big this baby was.  At that point, I didn’t have much of an epidural left and I was NOT in the mood to hear all those scare tactics, which she said she just had to warn me in case they needed to.  I felt it was unnecessary.  She left the room and around 11:30 pm, I really started to feel the need to push.  I started to feel nauseous and running a low grade fever, which I was told were both signs I was ready to push.  I was very uncomfortable and we were half an hour past when we thought we would start pushing.  All of us were annoyed it was taking so long for them to come in so Doula M told me that if I felt like I needed to push, to just start pushing through each contraction.  She talked me through how to do it and so for the next 30 minutes, I pushed three times through each contraction.  It really was a relief from the pain and pressure! Finally, at 12:05am, the nurse came in and we started active pushing.  The baby was moving down well while pushing, but was “turtling” every time I’d stop.  Pressure was building and building and by this point I was back to a natural delivery with no epidural.  As the minutes passed, I was getting exhausted and any time I wasn’t pushing I was in agony.  I was so ready for this to be over!  Dr. B wanted me to get another round of antibiotics and I adamantly said no because the first dose burned really badly coming through the IV. 

The whole team in the delivery room started cheering me on and kept me going.  I had to pull energy from the depths of my being to keep pushing and felt truly exhausted.  I could see Aunt K and Amiga C in my peripheral vision and knew I had to be getting close because they were starting to get excited, covering their mouths and crying.  At some point, I was told to reach down and feel my baby’s head!  I had dreamt about that moment!  I soon felt the much anticipated “Ring of Fire” and it is no joke!  Everyone kept telling me I was so close but I just wanted someone to tell me how much longer.  Doula M must have read my mind because she looked me in the eye and said, “You’re going to meet your baby in two minutes.”  That gave me the motivation I needed to push through the last bit and pushed non stop until the baby came out.  I remember feeling the head and hearing “The head is out,” pushing twice more and then at 1:23am and 23 hours of labor, my VBAC baby was born!  I looked down and Daddy B and I saw we were blessed with a second son!!  Doula M had undone my gown and Baby B was put directly on to my chest.  I just kept crying and saying, “Oh my God!  Oh my God!” Everyone was telling me “You did it!”  I was so wrapped up in everything that it didn’t even phase me that Baby B was born a little floppy, scoring an initial apgar score of 7, but as soon as he was on me, he came to life and by his second apgar score, he scored a 9.  Unfortunately him being a little floppy prevented my much desired delayed cord clamping, but Daddy B did still get to cut the cord.  I had him on my chest for quite awhile, probably due to the fact that the whole team in the delivery room was so caught up in my VBAC that no one called the nursery!  We thought that was hilarious!  The nursery nurse was awesome and came and asked my permission to take Baby B to weigh him.  I took the opportunity to call my mom, as she couldn’t be there and five minutes later, Baby B was given back to me.  He weighed 8lbs 14oz and was 21” long.  He was 5 oz bigger than Baby C!  I felt so justified!  I just birthed a baby bigger than my “big baby” who I was lead to believe couldn’t fit through my so-called curved and shallow pelvis.  Everyone said I should take a picture of me flipping off the camera and holding Baby B and send it to my old OB who sectioned me with Baby C!  

I birthed the placenta (which felt amazing for some reason) and had a second degree tear.  Everyone laughed when I jumped at the lidocain shot for the stitches because of everything I had just been through, but I told them that sharp stick of pain was way different than what I had just experienced and caught me off guard!

Baby B was brought back to me and I got to witness the amazing miracle of watching a baby move themselves towards the breast to start feeding.  Aunt K and Amiga C headed home and doula M helped get us latched on and nursing and then said her goodbyes.  Finally, it was down to Daddy B, Baby B and I.  What was really cool was that I was able to get myself out of bed and go with the nurses to the rest room to get a dressing put on before going to my postpartum room.  Yes, I was sore, but I was up walking around immediately after birth!  It was incredible compared to a c-section!  The recovery has continued to be great and I am constantly amazed with how good I feel.  One of the weirdest parts for me was in the day following delivery, every muscle in my body was sore like I had just ran a marathon and lifted a ton of weights!  I guess I did kind of get a work out!  haha

Daddy B cuddling Baby B in the hospital.  Baby B was working up to a good cry.  hehe

The other amazing thing has been how well nursing has been going.  I struggled so much with Baby C and Baby B has been latching on like a champ.  Our hospital stay was about 36 hours, mainly due to the fact that I delivered at 1:23am and had to stay 24 hours.  I saw the lactation consultant three times during my stay and she said I had things down perfect and it would just be a matter of practice and getting through the first couple of weeks until things got easier.  

One crazy thing that happened on Baby B's birthday are the storms that moved through DFW and caused like 13 tornados.  We all had to evacuate in to the hallway of the hospital!  Luckily, the storms missed us.  

Here's us "evacuated." This picture really speaks to me.  If you notice, there is a c-section mom behind my shoulder.  That could have been me if I hadn't educated myself on VBAC.  Instead of being rolled out in a bed, I walked out of the room carrying my baby!

We spent Wednesday night at my brother and Aunt K’s and I let Daddy B get a full night’s rest for the drive home the next day.  Aunt K only had to come help me once during the night and it was to work her Auntie magic and hold Baby B so I could use the restroom.  We left Thursday morning around 10:30am and the drive went well.  We made a stop every couple of hours to nurse and let me use the restroom and made it home about 6pm. 

Baby B on the way home.

 MIL had made us an amazing dinner of roast, mashed potatoes, green beans and gooey butter cake and had the house spotless!  I felt so blessed!  My parents sent a huge bouquet of yellow roses congratulating me on a job well done and of course on our new addition. When I called them they made sure to tell me that those flowers were for ME and that they were very proud of me.  It is so wonderful to have so many people understand what I just accomplished in my VBAC.  Baby C is pretty interested in his baby brother, but would rather be coloring or watching Mickey Mouse at this point.  I'll do another post with pictures of them meeting for the first time.

The coolest thing that happened on the drive was that my milk came in!  It took 6 days with Baby C and was nothing by that point due to the supplementing and pumping.  It took 2 days with Baby B and we haven’t looked back!  Last night he had some gas and wasn’t too interested in latching on for a good stretch, by we massaged his belly and got some of that worked out and by this morning he was nursing well again.  I'm having to increase how often I'm nursing because we aren't seeing as many dirty diapers as we need to, but I'm determined to stay committed and we will get there together.

My milk drunk baby

Overall, my birth experience was exactly what I wanted it to be.  Yes, I wish I could have done without pitocin and an epidural, but I felt they were both used correctly medically and contributed to a positive birth outcome.  My experience reiterated to me that medical interventions in birth have a time and a place when used right.  My plan was to have an unmedicated birth, but I have always said I am open to my plan changing and adapting to what my body told me I needed.  I couldn’t be more pleased with how everything turned out!

Early Labor

41 weeks, 2 days.

I know I have so many wonderful friends and family that are anxious to hear that the baby has been born, but I just don't have much to tell you yet.  I started having contractions yesterday around 12pm, started timing them around 3pm and they were 7 minutes apart.  I called Doula M and we felt sure this was it and she told me to call her when they were about 5 minutes apart.  They never got closer together and I went to bed around 12:30 am.  I woke up about every hour or so from a strong contraction, but did get relatively good sleep.  At 7am, I texted Doula M, timed a few and they were still 7 minutes apart.  They have been much stronger today, but have varied in time intervals.

I am very frustrated.  I felt sure this baby would be here by now and feel like people think I'm crazy for waiting so long. 

On a VERY good note, on Thursday afternoon I was here at my brother's by myself trying to keep occupied by watching a movie.  My brother travels Tuesday-Thursday and was due to be home around 4:30pm.  Well around 2pm, I heard the garage door open.  I figured my brother caught an earlier flight and was already home (which he does often.)  I heard the door to the house open said, "Hello?" and Daddy B walked around the corner!!  He has this weekend off and as much as I wanted to ask him to come to Texas, I wasn't going to because his mom is at our house with Baby C.  We went on a date Thursday night, went out to lunch yesterday and have just really been enjoying spending time together after three weeks apart.  He is definitely my rock.  His support these past few days through all these contractions has been so, so comforting to me.  I like just waking up in the night and feeling him next to me, asking if I'm alright after my many bathroom trips and holding me when I cry because I want my baby here so bad.  He keeps reminding me the baby is healthy and moving and that I'm not on a time limit.  I get really upset at the thought of him having to leave without me because the baby didn't make their apperance this weekend, but he decided to go ahead and start his week of vacation beginning tomorrow and stay.  We know it HAS to be soon.  I've had so many good signs that active labor is near.

I just love my husband, my brother, and Aunt K who have been putting up with me all weekend and encouraging me to hang in there.  I know my close friends and family know that I'm at the end of my rope with this pregnancy and appreciate their prayers.

Hopefully my next post will be this stubborn baby's birth story! ;)

40 Weeks 5 Days Appointment

We thought yesterday was the day.  I woke up at 3:30am with contractions every 10 minutes and lasting 1:30 minutes.  This went on until almost 7am when I took a shower, then slowed down, then returned at 8 minutes apart and a minute or so a piece.  Then I ate breakfast and they became erratic the rest of the day.  It was so frustrating!  Doula M told me to take two Tylenol PM and head to bed.  Needless to say, I'm still pregnant and yesterday was my first true experience of  prodromal labor.

I missed my appointment with Dr. C yesterday due to us all thinking I was in early labor, but he actually called me around 12pm to check in on me since I had been a no show and it helped talking to him.  Yesterday showed me that my body does in fact know how to have consistent contractions and that eventually, this baby WILL come out! 

So I called first thing this morning to get in to see Dr. C before he left town. I'm 2 cm dilated!  Woo hoo!  I only ever got to 5 cm in my induced labor with Baby C, so to hear I'm already 2 cm was awesome.  I asked him what he thought about stripping my membranes, but he said with how much progress I made in the past week and what he knows I want out of this birth, he would rather me wait and let my body do it all on its own. 

My blood pressure is a little raised at 126/90, but Dr. C said my urine is clean and that he actually is surprised my blood pressure isn't higher due to my unique set of circumstances.  He also said my body is just about maxed out in physical capacity, so he'd expect my blood pressure to be up!

For all those who are concerned about the baby because I've passed my due date, the baby is very active and has a very strong heartbeat.  Please remember that in most women, a healthy pregnancy can go to 42 weeks and it's called an "Estimated Due Date" for a reason.

We also talked about my options for while he is out of town.  He has talked with the midwife and that option is all set up, but he also talked with the doctor in his practice who will covering for him.  I know of several women who have had a VBAC with her and am excited that I still feel the hospital is a good option for us!  Daddy B and I feel most comfortable in a hospital and would really appreciate the time we would be able to stay after baby is born to bond without interruptions.  Dr. C told me that he will be calling me while he is out of town and has instructed Dr. D (the on call doctor) that I am free to call him at any time during my labor if I want to talk to him.  This definitely made me feel good because my biggest concern with him being gone is if I end up needing a c-section and not having him there reassuring me that it is truly medically necessary.  Now at least I know I can call and get his counsel before agreeing to anything.

Doula M has been such a great support over the past few days.  I seriously urge any expecting mom out there to hire a doula.  Doula M's experience and kindness has made this time waiting much more bearable and it is so nice to have someone to ask questions to and get solid answers.  I really feel that between her, Daddy B and myself, we have a clear vision of what we want out of this birthing experience.  Now if I could just have the next time I contact her be because I'm in REAL labor, that would be nice. ;)

The Emotions

Let me preface this post with acknowledging that I know my hormones are going crazy right now.  I can cry easily and get irritated even easier!

I have less than two weeks before I have to say goodbye to Baby C.  I've been struggling with the reality of having to be away from him.  This past week he got some mild food poisoning from some applesauce he "hid" after dinner and decided to eat for a snack the following morning while I was in the shower (he came to show me, that's how I know).  That afternoon, my poor dude was throwing up every couple of hours and really counted on me to console him.  He would come up and say "My belly hurts," and just lay on me... until he threw up.  Yes, I took a couple extra showers that day!  haha

Here's a cute picture of recovering Baby C the day after the applesauce incident:

Anyway, I kept thinking that day about not being there while waiting for this next baby to choose their birthday.  I have the logical side of my brain telling me he will be fine, he won't even realize I'm gone for so long and that he will be in wonderful care with my MIL and Daddy B.  But I have my mommy-brain side that is really struggling.  I called to make my 38 week appointment with Dr. C, but as luck would have it he is out of the office on March 9th, the day I make the trek back to Texas.  No big deal, I made the appointment for March 13th instead since I'll be there, but I started thinking about how my friend and I could relax on the drive home and maybe I could wait to leave until after Baby C woke up.  After talking it through with Daddy B though, I realized that I would be a WRECK if I had to leave him face to face.  After coming to that realization, I just started sobbing!  Daddy B was at a loss and trying to console me, but it is really hard for me right now.  My SIL (Aunt D) called me right when I was upset and talked me through it.  She said her sister-in-law ESP told her to call just because.  She knew how I was feeling, seeing that she has my two nieces who are 7 and 4, and my youngest niece is special needs.  When she was born, Aunt D had to spend a lot of time with her in the NICU and be away from her older daughter.  I think it's, in a way, a similar emotion because I know this is what the baby and I need, but I hate feeling like I'm choosing this baby over my other one.  Yes, I know that's not completely rational, but I did preface this post with a warning about my crazy hormones.  ;)

So fast forward to Saturday and while Daddy B was home, I took the opportunity to go up to Walmart and start making a dent in my "to-buy" list for my hospital bag.  I picked up travel toiletries I could keep packed and an extra pair of comfy pants, you know... the essentials.  Then I was standing on the candy isle deciding what flavor gum I wanted to buy to have handy in the hospital when I had what I can only describe as a mini panic attack.  It's like the reality of having a second baby slapped me in the face all at once.  I felt dizzy, nauseous and was breathing a little faster than normal.  I walked around in a daze and came home with all these little things I had bought.  For some reason putting things in that basket gave me the illusion that I was making myself more prepared!  Daddy B laughed at me, but also understood what I was feeling.  I told him honestly, "I'm scared."  It's scary to go from having one child to two.  It's scary to think about all the unknowns that are inevitable with a newborn.  It's scary not to know how your new "normal" will look in your home.  You get so comfortable with being parents of one and we know that we will be fine as parents of two and will love this baby just as much as Baby C, but it's still scary!

Then I started feeling a little mad at this whole VBAC situation.  I've felt this way before, but in relation to all these emotions I've been feeling, it takes on a whole new meaning.  I get angry that I'm a second time mom and yet completely feel like a first time mom when it comes to this delivery.  At the same time, I'm so thankful for VBAC and it giving me the opportunity to feel that excitement that usually only first time moms feel about not knowing how everything will happen.  I know every birth is different, but I think the difference in being induced and going to a c-section will be completely different than letting my body go in to labor and having a natural birth.  And I get frustrated with the state of Louisiana and the birthing environment here not being conducive to me staying home and going in to labor like a "normal" expectant mother.  Instead I have to travel to another state to do something my body was made to do. But again, I'm also grateful that I have the option to travel back to Texas to have this baby and that I have so many friends and family supporting our decision to have this baby in a very non-traditional way.

To recap, I feel sad, scared, excited, unprepared, prepared, angry, grateful, etc. etc.

The brain of a pregnant woman can be so confusing!  Thanks for listening reading. ;)

33 Week Appointment & Baby Shower

Dr. C has been awesome about just going with the flow when it comes to my appointments.  I should "technically" be seeing him every two weeks right now, but since the pregnancy is healthy, I'm not seeing him nearly as often due to the driving.  I saw him at 29 weeks and last weekend was my baby shower, so I saw him the friday before at 33 weeks.

Everything went well at the appointment.  My blood pressure was something like 119/72 (can't remember now that it has been a week) and baby's heart rate was strong at 145 bpm.  I shared with him what had just happened the day before with Cousin M and Dr. C let me listen to the baby longer than normal.  I just cried hearing that sound and thinking of my sweet cousin and everything she had already been through.  I still tear up thinking about how much that heart beat meant to me during that appointment.  Both he and his partner midwife told me the baby sounded strong and perfect.  I've definitely relished every hiccup and (sometimes painful!) jab and kick since.

Cousin M is doing well, for those who are thinking and praying for her.  We have talked nearly every day, whether through text or a phone call and are trying to support each other in the ways we can.  We are both in unknown territory when it comes to supporting each other through the loss, as neither of us expected this turn of events.  I'm so thankful for my relationship with her and her encouragement for the natural birth I desire.  We are hoping her and her daughter will be able to come for a visit shortly after this baby is born so she can help me with her awesome nursing skills!  On that note, continued prayers as she deals with having to try to stop her supply for the first time.  She nursed her first daughter until she weaned right before she turned two and was really looking forward to a new nursing relationship with baby Charlotte.

To continue about my appointment, the baby also is continuing to measure two weeks ahead.  Baby C measured the same throughout the end of pregnancy and Dr. C warned me that this baby will definitely be larger!  I have faith that God designed my body to grow the perfect size baby for me to deliver and am not letting that scare me one bit.  I know they will be born exactly the size they need to be! The baby is still head down and considered in the "perfect" birthing position.  They haven't really done too much moving around my belly since they turned head down at 28.5 weeks.  In fact, the area they kick all the time is starting to feel a little sore! I'm headed back to Texas this coming friday for a wedding and my last appointment before the big transition at 38 weeks.  Dr. C will be out of the office, so I'm seeing his partner midwife at her birth center.  She has been at nearly all of my appointments and I'm looking forward to seeing the birth center, as I've heard a lot of great things about it through the ICAN of North Texas ladies.

I'm feeling pretty good still.  Getting more uncomfortable and can tell my pelvis and lower back are relaxing more and more.  Have had some nausea spells, but I read that's normal in late pregnancy.  Last night I was nauseous and had a head ache and being the paranoid mom that I am, I took my blood pressure.  Brian and I sort of laughed when it came back 109/66.  I never have had a problem with blood pressure, but I'm so worried something will come up that throws this entire birth plan off.  I should probably try to relax a little bit. ;)

Here's the two newest belly comparisons.  I have started taking a picture every two weeks, as I did the same thing with Baby C and want to have the same pictures as I did the first pregnancy.

The next day, four of my closest friends (who were all bridesmaids in my wedding!) threw me the most WONDERFUL baby shower I could have asked for!  The cherry on top of the entire thing was that my other sister in law (We'll call her Aunt D), surprised me by flying in from Georgia on Friday night!  She has my two nieces who are 7 and 4, and one has special needs, so she is a busy busy busy mama.  I was so touched she went out of her way to come celebrate with us!  Here's some pictures:

 Aunt K made all of this awesome food!  Her famous meatballs, ham and cheese croissants, tortellini skewers, spinach dip in a bread bowl (my fav!), and Chili's chips, salsa and salad.  My good friend J made that amazing cupcake owl and the dozen baby owls that surrounded it!

This tree represents everyone's guess of boy or girl and has a piece of advice written on the back.  

Girl won two-to-one!  

33 weeks and enjoying my shower :)

These were my beautiful hostesses!  L to R: Aunt K, Amiga C, (me), my friend J who I went to college with and my friend L who I've known since I was 5!  Love these four ladies so much!

I feel much more prepared after the generous gifts from the baby shower.  The baby room is nearly finished and I can't wait to share all of the hard work Daddy B and I have put in!

Random Tidbits

• About four times a day, this little baby in my belly moves so much that it throws itself in to a fit of the hiccups. 
• Baby C gave my belly a kiss the other day.  It was the sweetest thing I've ever seen!
• I'm really hoping my battle scars (i.e. stretch marks) don't get any worse this time around.  
• Yesterday the baby kicked so much that my belly actually felt sore!
• The nursery is coming along sooo well.  I am falling more in love with the choices we made as we see everything come together!
• I went through my newborn-6 month clothes this morning with Baby C at my side.  This is all I came up with for gender neutral:

• I realized through that clothes sorting experience this morning just how different it is to not find out the gender.  With Baby C, we were over prepared and had so many clothes that I don't think he even got to all of them.  
• And even with the above picture and the difference in not knowing if we need pink or blue, I am at such peace with not knowing!  I can't WAIT for their birthday so I can see who God sent to us. :)
• Have I told you that Vari-Gone really helps with my vein?  It has taken so much of the aching away.  I am so grateful for getting that recommendation.
• My appetite is picking up.  We went and ate a huge meal of Mexican food after church last sunday around 1pm.  By 3pm I was hungry again.  That's a weird feeling.  Maybe it has something to do with the baby putting on like half a pound a week now?
• Speaking of, even though I ate lunch just 2 hours ago, I'm hungry.  Off to find a snack! 

32 Week Happenings

32 weeks today!  Can't believe that I'm only 8 weeks from my due date and 6 weeks from the final trip to Texas for the birth.  Time is flying by and this baby in my belly is getting bigger and bigger.  I realized something this past week... women want to get pregnant again because they remember the SECOND trimester.  Other than my leg getting worse, I felt so great the second trimester.  I had this cute belly, could feel the baby and more or less felt like my usual self.  Now that we're well under way on the third trimester, I have feet in my ribs, can't breathe when I bend over and my stamina is shot!  I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong, but I just forgot what it felt like!  haha

Here's the proof that this baby is growing:

I travel to Texas next Friday for an appointment and then Aunt K, Amiga C and two other close friends are being sweet enough to throw my a baby shower to celebrate this little one on the way.  I'm really looking forward to seeing some of my favorite friends and family.  Look how cute the invite is! Amiga C had them made and I'm simply in love with them.

(edited to remove all personal info)

I am so blessed to have women in my life who love me and my children enough to want to throw a second baby shower for me.  It is not necessary, but very appreciated!

I'm getting more and more excited for the birth.  Like I said before, I'm not looking forward to the time away from Baby C and Daddy B, but I'm really looking forward to meeting this new baby and experiencing their very unique birth story.  I had a long talk the other day with Doula M about more of the details I'm concerned with surrounding the delivery day and she made me feel more at ease about everything.  I know she and Dr. C will support me through the entire process in ways that only they can do as professionals.  I'm already wondering how people do it without a doula!  I'm so thankful she is experienced and knowledgeable and I can text her "Why do I feel the baby's hiccups high up if they are head down?" and "How much raspberry leaf tea should I be drinking?"  You know, things I can google of course, but it sure is nice to have a person I actually know that I can ask the questions to and not feel dumb!  haha  So if you're reading, thanks Doula M! :)

The Ugly Truth

I like to think maybe I'm making too much of this vein on my leg.  Then, this morning before I got out of bed, I was looking at my leg thinking how it really almost looked normal in some places.

So I took a picture:

I mean, yeah you can see some of the blue parts of the vein under my pale skin, but for the most part, it looks relatively normal.  Behind my knee is the worst part, so I am happy that when I rest or elevate my leg, it looks so much better.  Gives me hope for post-pregnancy!

Then... I got up.  I stood just long enough to make the bed.

This is what my leg looks like a lot of the time.  

I'm sparing you the parts of my leg that are higher up, as no one really wants to see that. 

Anyway, thought maybe this would give it all some perspective.  

I sent the pictures to Doula M and her reply was "Oh E... sit!"

:(

Pity party for Mama E.  Reservation for one.

P.S.  I did start the herbal supplement Vari-Gone yesterday.  I hope that helps improve my leg some.  My mom also told me she was talking to my grandmother yesterday and was told that my great aunt and my great grandmother had similar vein issues during pregnancy, so I guess it really is just hereditary.  There are lots of "reasons" why you get these in pregnancy, but I don't really fit in to the categories for those causes.  The only one that really seems to make sense is genetics.  Although I did have a varicose vein "higher up" (if you know what I mean) towards the end of my pregnancy with Baby C, it never progressed in to something like this.  

The Move

I have so much to write about, I don't know where to begin.

We are moved to Louisiana.  I took a break from worrying about the VBAC to concentrate on the move.  It has been a hard process being over 6 months pregnant.  My belly has really grown and the baby moves A LOT.  I am a busy body by nature and it has been very hard on me to rest enough.  If I work on my feet too much, I get pretty good spells of Braxton Hicks contractions and that horrible varicose vein aches and aches.  Oh and I hate those hose I got through my prescription from Dr. C.  I've only worn them a couple days and although it does make the vein stop aching, they are a major pain to always be readjusting and pulling up.  Guess I'll pay for not wearing those hose after the pregnancy when my leg looks horrible and I can't wear shorts.  :(

Yesterday, the stress of everything hit me hard after I received yet another message from someone telling me to reconsider the birth center we had been looking at.  I'm still waiting to hear if they'll even take me as a patient, but I was just so sick of not knowing what we were going to do.  I called Daddy B crying and my sweet husband was home within 20 minutes.  We talked about what we feel our options are:

1. Assume we could go to the birth center an hour and a half south and plan to have me live in a hotel starting at 38 weeks, due to their policy of me needing to be within 50 miles of the midwife.

2. I talked with a midwife at a birth center just inside the Texas border who said she would take me as a patient, but she didn't have direct OB back up in case of an emergency.  It is three hours away from us, but she wouldn't require me to be close by near my due date.

3. Call back a doctor in our area who said "he doesn't like to get involved in VBAC's," but I know he has done them and try to get a consult without mentioning I want a VBAC and then talk to him in person and hope he will give me a trial of labor.

4. Go live with my brother and sister-in-law in Texas starting at 38 weeks and stick with Dr. C.  My mother-in-law would come be with Baby C while I was in Texas so I could concentrate on trying to get labor started and not have to worry about caring for Baby C if I went in to labor during a work day when my brother and SIL weren't there.

I asked Daddy B what he felt our number one option was.  He told me that he had felt this entire time I should stay with Dr. C, but had wanted me to make the decision.  I told him I was worried he wouldn't get there in time and he said he would move the earth if he had to in order to make it so I should just take that off my mind.  After much consideration, I realized Dr. C is the only option I feel totally at peace with.  Later in the evening, a doula I've been talking to who would have been our doula had we gone with the birth center south of us, ended up calling me to talk about the latest message I had received.  We talked for 2.5 hours!  She agreed that she felt I should go back to Texas because what is most important is for me to feel comfortable and empowered and the best way to do that is to surround myself with my support people, which are not located here in Louisiana.

So I'm calling Monday to work out the details with Dr. C.  I sure hope it all goes smoothly and we can decide on a prenatal visit plan we both feel comfortable with until I'm there at 38 weeks.

I felt better today after coming to a decision.

Here's a look at the sweet baby belly growing bigger day by day!

My nesting instinct is realllly starting to kick in and we are waiting until after January 1st to start baby preparations.  When we went Christmas shopping for Baby C at Toys R Us, I talked Daddy B into letting me buy the new baby a couple of outfits.  It sure is different not knowing what gender this baby is and having to search through the racks to find something that could work for a boy or a girl!